Something happened to me last night that I am still thinking about, still contemplating, still looking back on. I think I’ve said before that I’ve lost a little belief in myself because of the happenings in my life over the past couple of years, but last night, I got a boost. It feels good to hear someone tell you something that you know is a message being delivered, especially when that person knows nothing about you, or what you’ve gone through, or where you have been. But when they speak the words to you, you know those words are intended for your heart and soul…and you have no choice but to listen.

I can sit here and say all that I have achieved and all that I can do, but if I don’t believe that I can deliver on those things, then it means absolutely nothing. If I doubt myself, then I am my own obstacle…I don’t want to stand in my own way of achieving whatever is intended for me. Is it fear holding me back? Is it just that I don’t want to appear cocky or arrogant, and hold myself back because of that? Maybe it’s a combination of both of these things…I don’t believe in shouting from the rooftops or doing a lot of attention-getting; I just like to do things and get them done and move on. There is still doubt within me though; on whether or not all the things that I have in my life I deserve…or better yet, whether I have done enough to deserve the things that I have.

I know I shouldn’t question why I have what I have, why I have been given what I have been given. I should accept it and keep moving forward. That’s something that I have to work on. After what happened to me last night, it is something that I intend to be more conscious of—not questioning why. It is my goal to raise my head above all of this doubt and toss it out and just keep moving. I owe that to myself.

Do you ever get the feeling that something is coming, but you are not sure what it is? You can sense it…the air around you is not quite right but you can feel the change coming. That is how I feel right now. It has more to do with my family more than it does me, I think. I’ve tried to remain positive and stay in prayer, and I still feel it. So this is the next step, I guess…to write it all out.

I am the big sister; so it is human nature that I would be the responsible one, the one who is the mature and independent one. I have often wondered how in the world could I be such a complete 180 from my younger sibling…we are polar opposites. You would think that eventually, the younger one would realize that eventually he would have to begin to do for himself…not this one. My younger brother still lives at home with my mother and still holds onto the belief that he should be taken care of. I know part of that is my fault, but the time has come for him to let that go.

I won’t speak bad of my brother, but the fact is that he has not learned to have accountability for himself. He does not know how to be responsible for himself. I find that most of the people his age have this lack of character, though. I am surrounded by these younger people at my job and I tell you, it absolutely infuriates me that younger generation believes that something is owed to them. Not all of them, because I know some 20-somethings that are enterprising and motivated, so there is still hope. The lack of work ethic that I see on a daily basis though is frightening.

My brother is in a position now where he either has to sink or swim, fight or flight. he has burned so many bridges and turned so many people off with his laziness and victim attitude that now he can’t find anyone who will lend a hand. I look at him and I am immediately saddened because he has wasted good jobs because he would rather party than work. Now it seems as if he can’t get a job (that bad reputation following him around), and he is just lost. I feel for him, but I also think there is nothing I can do for him. He often whines that no one will help him; I say, help yourself and help will come to you. He often wants to compare my relationship with my family to his relationship. It is not the same. I make the effort; he does not. He expects something for nothing…I give so I receive. Again, we are polar opposites.

I love him to death…he’s my baby brother. And everything that I’ve said here, I’ve said to him so I don’t feel bad. What makes me feel bad is that I don’t think that even in the face of failure, even in the throes of being nothing, he still won’t understand that a lesson is trying to get through to him. And that is breaking my heart.