The Marvalus View » 2008 » June

Layla is one of the characters that I’ve got running around in my brain; the following is one of the stories that I’ve laid down with her as the focus…let me know what you think.

I used to be a pretty girl. At least I used to feel like and acted like a pretty girl. Not in the conventional way; I was a big pretty girl…a diva, baby! I loved my hips and thighs, my ass and tits, and they garnered much attention from the opposite sex. I took care of myself: weekly hair and nail appointments, pedicures, facials…and I shopped like no one’s business! I always had the cutest clothes, the flyest handbags, the killer shoes…I was the shit, if I must say so myself. It took me awhile, though, to appreciate my thickness, having been the fat girl in high school. You know, the fat girl with the big boobs and the big ass who the boys wanted to feel up but didn’t want for a girlfriend? That was me. I was just Layla, the shy girl who hid behind her glasses and brain back then. I always held crushes on guys from afar, never letting myself get too close. The one time I did go there, I just knew that the feelings would be reciprocated because we had so much in common. His name was Steve…Steve Ford. I was a junior in high school and he was a senior. I remember the very day that I saw Steve and my crush developed. I was standing outside of my history class waiting on my friend, Dana. The day was most unfortunate because I happened to be on my period and was extra bloated. I had on a gray sweat suit and did not look at all cute. But a girl’s gotta do what she’s gotta do. I ran my fingers through my hair and luckily already had on some lip gloss. I smiled at him and his friends as they approached.

“Hey, girl…what’s up?” Steve asked as he stopped in front of me. Steve looked so good. He was in his letterman’s jacket, which was decked out with all his sports letters and awards. He had on a pair of black jeans and the latest pair of Adidas tennis shoes. So fly.

“Nothing, just waiting on Dana’s slow behind,” I said, standing there cheesing at him like the biggest idiot. I didn’t notice but two of his friends were behind me making motions with their hands indicating how large my ass was. Steve was trying hard not to laugh. His friend Brian stood there with a frown on his face. He didn’t seem amused at all.

“Do you have the notes from English?” Steve said, trying to sustain his chuckles.

“Yeah, but they are in my locker. I’ll bring them to Social Studies with me,” I said. I saw Steve look past me and I turned then to see his friends making fun of me. I turned back to Steve and he just looked at me and shrugged his shoulders.

“Thanks, Layla. I’ll see you 6^th hour.” And with that he and his two friends walked off. Brian stood there, not saying anything for a moment. He then took a step toward me.

“Layla, I…” Brian started.

“Brian, you don’t have to say anything. I’m used to it.” I walked away before Brian could see the tears filling my eyes. I may have been used to things like that, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

I was so confused because Steve should have been the one to stay and say something to me, at least that is what I thought. He and I were friends. I was the one who was always helping him with his homework and making sure that he got the notes from class when he had his away games. But he stood there and laughed along with his friends. I went home that night and was so confused in the head that I couldn’t concentrate on my homework. I had a paper due in English and I couldn’t write; I kept starting over because I couldn’t seem to get the words on the paper correctly. The phone rang at about 8:30 and I knew that it couldn’t be for me because my sister Lisa and I were not allowed on the phone after 8:00.

“Layla, telephone,” my mother yelled from the living room. Telephone? For me? This must be an emergency and it must be a family member. I went to the kitchen to get the phone.

“Hello,” I said, with a bit of trepidation in my voice.

“Hey, Layla, it’s me, Steve.” What?! What is Steve Ford doing calling me at home? And why would my mother let me take this call? “Hello?”

“Yeah, I’m here. What’s up?”

“I wanted to call and apologize for what happened in the hall today. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said.

“Who said that you upset me?” I asked him.

“Well, I talked to Brian afterward and he told me that you were upset.”

“I didn’t tell Brian I was upset, so don’t worry about it.”

“Well, I apologize anyway. Harold and Troy shouldn’t have been making fun of you and I shouldn’t have been laughing. That was disrespectful and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I was in a little bit of shock. My hopes were raised again that maybe he did like me like I liked him. Maybe this was just typical high school boy shit and he didn’t really mean it.

“So I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asked. I could hear the smile in his voice.

I smiled back. “Yes, see you in 2^nd hour.” I hung up the phone and stood in the kitchen for a minute to digest this conversation. I was almost sure that I had just sprung wings and I was now fluttering above the kitchen floor. I went back to my room and wrote the best damn English paper of my high school career. It was so good that it was published in the school newsletter.

After that, Steve and I flirted a lot with each other. That is part of the reason that I let Ms. Kitty overtake my brain in deciding to put my feelings on the line. I made the mistake of letting Dana know that I liked him, and of course she told him. When I got wind of this, all hell broke loose.

“Dana, I can’t believe you did this to me,” I said to her. We were out on the track field. We were supposed to be running laps, which of course I was not good at. Dana was long and lean, but she was lazy, so she wasn’t running either. So we were walking around the track talking.

“What do you mean, you can’t believe it? How else was he supposed to find out that you liked him? I just did you a favor. The way the two of y’all been acting, it was only a matter of time anyway; I’m just helping it along a bit.”

“But Dana, I wanted to tell him myself. Why do I need you to tell him about my feelings? I didn’t ask you to do this. Now he’s going to think I’m some kind of crazy fat girl!” I was almost in tears.

“Stop talking about yourself like that, Layla. You are a very cute girl. You maybe need some self-esteem and some help dressing, but you are cute. Any guy would be lucky to date you.”

“You say that because you are my friend. I would expect you to say that. You don’t see me like guys do, Dana.”

“How do guys see you, Layla? How do you think guys see you?”

“They see me as the fat girl; the smart fat girl who is able to help them get their grades up or give them the notes from class. They don’t see me as someone to make their girlfriend.”

“You are wrong, Layla. I hear guys talk about you all the time.”

“Yeah, right, where are they then? How come none of them are at my door on Fridays and Saturdays asking me out on dates?” She didn’t have an answer for that one. We kept walking around the track and finally heard the coach blow the whistle signaling the end of gym. I was angry at Dana, but I was anxious to find out what Steve’s response would be. I would see pretty soon; I was 2 classes from seeing him again.

He said nothing. He didn’t even look at me during class. I stayed just a couple moments after class to see if maybe he would say something then, but he got up immediately and left. What the hell?

By the time I got ready to go home, Steve had already left to go home for the day. He had not said two words to me all day. My heart sank, yet again, thinking that he was hiding out. I didn’t even know if he was going to be at Open House that night. All of the Honor Society students were supposed to be there to host. I went ahead and went home to change. I put on my pink dress and tiny heels and came back to the school in my sister’s car. To my surprise, Steve met me at the door with the programs that we were supposed to hand out to the parents as they arrived.

“You look nice,” he said as I climbed the steps to the foyer. He had on a long sleeved white shirt and black tie, and a pair of black dress pants. I’ve always been a sucker for a man in any form of dress-up. If you clean up nicely, then you pretty much have me.

“You do too.” I didn’t think you were going to be here,” I said as I took the programs from him.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. You didn’t seem especially talkative today.”

“I had a lot on my mind.” And he looked at me. I felt my stomach drop. I didn’t know what that look meant but it meant something.

“Oh,” was all I said as I walked back to Mrs. Anderson’s room where we were to meet for further instruction. Steve followed me and we entered the room. There was no one there. Then the unexpected happened. Steve grabbed me, turned me around, and kissed me—thoroughly. With his tongue, he explored my mouth and used his teeth to bite at my lower lip gently. It was sloppy and wet and awkward and one of the best kisses I’ve had in my entire life. When he finally let me go, I felt as though my heart was going to burst through my chest. Steve just looked at me and smiled the smallest of smiles. Soon after, Mrs. Anderson walked in.

“I’ve been looking for you two. We are meeting in Mr. Younger’s office instead of here,” she said, oblivious to what just happened in her classroom. She asked Steve to help her gather up the remainder of the supplies and we followed her to Mr. Younger’s for the pre-Open House meeting.

I didn’t see Steve for the remainder of the night. I also seemed to miss him every day. I mean we were in class together but I never seemed to be able to get his attention. Whenever I tried talked to Dana about it, she would always just say, maybe he was busy or had somewhere to go and for me to just let things progress as they would. Steve and I stopped studying together, and we no longer laughed and joked around together any more. It was almost like he was avoiding me. And what made it even worse was that it seemed as if my friend was somehow condoning this behavior. Oh, if I only knew how much…

My life almost came to an end exactly two weeks after that Open House night. I discovered that Steve and Dana were dating. It was quite by accident that I found out. Lisa and I were at a movie. We had arrived early and were sitting in our seats and they had just lowered the lights. I saw Steve walk in with this girl and they sat down 3 rows in front of us. The more I looked at them, the more that I realized that the girl was Dana. Dana, who knew how I felt about Steve, was now sitting in this movie theatre, with his arm wrapped around her shoulder. My friend who told me to just let things progress, was now sitting next to the guy that I was crazy about, and kissing him in this dark theatre. I sat there, stunned in my silence. Tears slowly began to roll down my cheeks as I watched them instead of the movie the whole time. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them because I was in total disbelief that this was happening. If I would have been in the right frame of mind, I would have left before the movie ended. But I wasn’t and when the movie was over, I was still sitting there, the front of my shirt wet from my tears. Steve and Dana got up from their seats and came up the aisle closest to my seat and I lifted my face to them. Dana saw me first and the look of sheer horror on her face said everything to me that she would have ever needed to say. She jerked the hand of Steve that she was holding and he turned to look at me, and quickly dragged Dana out of the theatre. Lisa put her arm around my shoulder when she realized what just happened. She knew about the Steve thing and knew how much pain I was in. She then pulled me up out of the chair and we walked out to the car to go home, not having said a word between us.

I was able to convince my mother that I was sick for the next couple of days and stayed at home. I just didn’t know how I would face them. How I would be able to look both of them in the eyes and not break down. Forget fight back…I didn’t know how to do that. Dana did make the attempt to call the house, but Lisa shut her ass down quick. When I did return to school, it was under duress. I was ducking and dodging, hiding out in the library and not staying for any extracurricular activities. I couldn’t get around any of my classes, but luckily Steve didn’t want to talk to me anymore than I wanted to talk to him. I felt so stupid. I watched Steve and Dana from the sidelines, laughing and being affectionate in the hallways and it tore my heart to pieces. Losing my friend was the worst part, but seriously, who was I to expect Steve to like me anyway? That’s what happens when you are the fat girl with low self-esteem…you hope and dream and wish for love and attention but you never really expect it to happen.